Archive for the 'Dipshits' Category

Symptom #11 – People Who Watch Parody Movies

Let me get an initial list out of the way:

1) Scary Movie

2) Scary Movie 2

3) Scary Movie 3

4) Not Another Teen Movie

5) Walk Hard

6) Epic Movie

7) Meet the Spartans

8-1,000,000) Other Assorted Anathema to Film

If you watch these movies voluntarily, you are probably a dipshit. If you enjoy them, you are in fact a dipshit. Understand that these movies are the shit beneath the hoof of the donkey that is popular film. This week, I went to see a movie and was graced with a poster for “Disaster Movie.” There hasn’t even been a disaster movie to parody in something like five years. When I say disaster movie, I mean things such as “Twister,” “Armageddon,” and the like. I don’t mean “Battlefield Earth,” or “The Passion of the Christ.”

Why are you a dipshit for liking these movies? If you’ve noticed, these “parodies,” are not actually parodies. They are simply the parodied movie with a handful of dick and fart jokes thrown in. Movies that get parodied these days don’t actually need parodies. They are amply ridiculous as they stand. The only social commentary that I can draw from said parodies is the fact that they often gross the same amount as their blockbuster counterparts, and are using budgets less than a tenth as large and using actors that have either not been heard of, or have no current relevance. The movie industry gets one over on us by replacing high-paid 20 year old women with Carmen Electra. Oscar-winning actors can be replaced with Vern Troyer. And you know what? You’ll still buy it. Not only will you buy it, but you’ll buy the original as well.

So what does this make the Parody Movie? It’s like the reach-around during anal. Yes, you could just take it in the ass, but you’re paying good money to be nailed. Why not pay the premium and get a little yank?

What I want to see is a film called Parody Movie. Essentially, it would be a RE-recycling of shitty Hollywood plots. You take the parody, and you re-record it frame by frame with an even lower-paid cast. Look hard, Hollywood. You’ll find someone who can work for less than Carrot Top. In fact, you could use the homeless. I’m almost certain with a 100$ budget and a trip downtown, I could cast a film with better acting than 100 Carmen Electras. A writing staff isn’t necessary, as we would simply steal from the originals and add in jokes taken from Beavis and Butthead reruns. With the cost of the camera, cast, editing, I could probably record for under 1,000$. I’d pay a lawyer 90,000$ to remain on retainer in case of potential copyright issues. I would reserve 100,000$ to compensate for my own genius. If we only grossed 5,000,000$, which is nothing for modern films, we would still be netting 4,809,000$. That’s remarkable, when many films don’t net a single red cent before merchandising and DVD licensing.

How do you deal with this breed of dipshit? As per the norm, you can usually ignore them. However, if you need to deal with them, your best bet is to offer them 10$ to be in your newest film.

Symptom #10 – Using Bureaucracy’s Inconsistency for Fun and Profit

Almost every American belongs to at least one bureaucratic organization. Work, school, hobby, everything is surrounded with bureaucracy. Bureaucracy often has noble purpose, to defend the rights and interests of those individuals involved. However, when bogged down with inconsistency, vagueness, or corruption become terrible examples of their initial mission statements.

Any time an organization resolves issues with human judgment instead of very rigid and clear rules, there is opportunity for corruption. WE KNOW THIS. If you’re a fucking dipshit however, you know this and think you’re the only one that notices it. You’re not. In fact, you’re dumber still for assuming otherwise. Stop immediately, you’re hurting us all with your continued douchebaggery.

What’s the golden rule? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?” Let me Edit for Dipshit Effect™. “Do unto others whatever you expect immunity from.” The true Dipshit will do a great many things to others through bureaucracy, and become completely flabbergasted when things come back at them. They have a friend who happens to be your supervisor? Expect to get written up for offenses that are hyperbolic at best, complete lies at worse. Go to school with a dipshit who knows faculty? You’ll find out just how much your papers suck, when every single one starts bombing for no reason. Play Monopoly with the dipshit who is friends with the banker? Expect a five dollar payoff when someone lands on your Park Place. Bring it up, and you’ll be laughed at or punished more. Show them in writing that Park Place nets you 35$, and watch them argue. They will argue the point, no matter how clearly you present the rules. They might even start the argument with, “I demand you show me where it says you get 35$!” Then when you show them, they’ll get angry for your showing them.

How do you deal with this dipshit? I presume that avoiding them is not an option, if they are truly problematic. Urinating on them is not an option*. Can you beat them at their own game? If so, keep in mind that you’re treading Dipshit territory. When in Rome, do as the Romans. But when you’re in Dipshittown, do NOT do as the Dipshits, lest you be judged. This time, I’m opening the field to contributors. How would YOU deal with the Dipshit who is using bullshit bureaucracy against you?

*Sometimes I wonder why in America, pissing on another person can get you charged with Assault With A Deadly Weapon. Then I remember that Dipshits make the laws, and lawmakers are known for protecting their own.

You can’t piss on them, but you can make certain they know that they are fucking idiots, and are in no way tolerated.

Symptom #9 – Environmentalism as a Conversational Piece

Have you ever bought something specifically because the brand, breed, or specific type of item has a positive effect on the environment? Good for you. Has that ever become a conversation piece, akin to, “Yes… In this house, we only buy Fab, because Fab doesn’t use any CFCs that harm the ozone. We just can’t see harming the ozone in this household. Would you like another slice of my fancy cheese?” If it has, chances are that you’re a Dipshit.

Anyone who reads can probably tell you of a number of bullshit scams out there relating to environmentally-friendly products. There are a great number of companies that use the environment to sell things, yes, but this isn’t what we’re talking about. We’re talking about those self-important assholes who do it for a conversation piece, for a bit of moral authority over their peers. Green is fine, dipshit is not.  Were you aware that in Ireland, the government charges a tax on plastic grocery bags?  If you need details, ask our dipshit when you see them with a canvas grocery bag “why is America so regressive?”

They’ll tell you all about it.  Were you aware that driving a Prius single-handedly gives you the authority to judge the rest of the world?  Don’t remind them of the energy costs associated with researching these hybrids.  Definitely don’t remind them that public transportation is cheaper.  Also neglect to mention that mail-ordering your groceries is even better on the environment.  You try to one-up a Dipshit, prepare for a fight.  Keep in mind that an environmentally-friendly Dipshit really only knows one statistic about any given thing they support, and know absolutely nothing about other endeavors.  But that won’t stop them from throwing that one statistic in your face.  Because with a number, they become credible.

Another very common crusade is the “organic” food movement.  A few days ago, I saw, and this is not an exaggeration, “organic water.”  I died a little inside.  That little single-liter bottle was two dollars.  There’s a part of me that wishes to support this company.  A Dipshit and his money is soon parted; and they’re profiting from it.  Can we really fault the company?  Frankly, I feel like a complete moron for not having capitalized on this earlier.

How to deal with this dipshit?  If you’re prepared, you can blow them out of the water.  It’s not hard to find numbers contrary to theirs.  If you’re not prepared, find the logical hole in their one crusade.  It’s usually not hard.  Focus on the fact that what they’re doing is very minor.  Consider the hybrid car owner.  If they spent the 10,000$ less and purchased a Hyundai, that 10,000$ could do so very much more for the environment.  10,000$ worth of trees will eliminate more emissions pollution in a year than that car will over the life of its existence, and it’ll keep doing that for a century.  Request that they just admit the reason for their purchase.  It’s okay people, just tell us it’s a status symbol.  We understand.  We just want you to tell the truth.

Symptom #8 – Religiously Zealous Hypocrites

I can’t really live by a book. It’s not my thing. I’d prefer to live by a movie, and if that movie tells me to save princesses, and instead I shoot them, I’ve officially become a hypocrite. If you choose to live by a book, but you live contrary to it when it’s convenient, you’ve become a hypocrite.

Not just a hypocrite, you’ve become A Dipshit.

The better solution in this case, dipshit, would be to not take up a banner, and just believe what you will. You want to do unto others as you want to do unto them? That’s fine. Don’t call it Christianity. You want to eat pork? That’s cool. Don’t call it Judaism. You want to sleep with one woman and own absolutely no guns? Awesomesauce. Don’t call it Mormonism. You want to breathe while chewing gum? I encourage it. Don’t call it Scientology. Pretty simple to understand? You would think that after thousands of years of religion gracing our species, we might have figured it out.

These dipshits are usually even more “devout,” than their scripture-adhering brethren. My only assumption is that they’re being vocal and forceful to distract from the fact that they’re not practicing what they preach. Everyone has to realize that Marilyn Manson really doesn’t care about eating puppies and pimping out his mother; he’s actually a wuss behind all that makeup. The emperor is actually not wearing clothes, people. Pat Robertson? Stark-raving nude. Tom Cruise? Butt-fucking naked. Make certain they know this. Call the 700 Club. Nobody’s telling him, so Robertson is unaware of his nudity. Any time you are prayed for in a disdainful tone by a Christian, don’t let said Christian go uninformed. Tell them. They deserve to know that they’re naked.

In many parts of the world, this manner of Dipshittery is becoming less and less a plague, but no matter how much progress is made, the world is still plagued heavily. We might not have the Crusades in name, but we still have ridiculous Crusades in the names of Gods who do not condone such things. We still have an enormous population of people in the world who will simply do as they are told, without questioning the authority of man over the authority of their deity.

What are we to do about this threat?  There’s not a lot you can do on the grand scale.  The religiously hypocritical are in charge of more guns in the world than any group of people combined.  On the smaller scale, you need to stand up.  Learn a little of their scripture, the internet is wonderful for the necessary sound bites you need.  Counter Robertson with a little quotation of your own.  This will make them defend themselves off-guard.  Put them off-guard enough, and they’ll realize that you’re on to them.  They’ll either lash out, or they’ll shut up.  They lash out, and you’re good to go.  They spend a night in jail, and you can sue for damages.  The religiously hypocritical believe in tax breaks and stepping on the working class, so you’re set to make bank.  If they shut up, you’ve just won a small victory in the War Against Dipshittery.  So, we win a battle of the war, or you get cash prizes.  Really, it’s a win-win situation.

I’m now taking requests for new Symptoms, and new guides to dealing with Dipshittery.  I’ll even take requests for new Dipshit t-shirts and the like. profileofads@gmail.com is the address, make it happen people.

Special Edition: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Are you in the technical support industry? Do you regularly deal with dipshits? Please, just hang up on them and email them this URL. This will help decrease your workload. In fact, I think it could remove almost 95% of all technical support inquiries.

Dear Dipshit,

You have been directed to this page because you have contacted technical support, and they don’t feel you’re worth the oxygen they breathe. So follow these steps before bothering technical support in the future:

1) Is your device plugged in? Are all possible plugs attached? Don’t answer this. Check it. There’s a good chance you’re wrong in your default, “Of course it is!”

2) Is your device turned on? If no, turn it on and viola. If the problem persists, continue.

3) Can you try to open the piece of software? Does it open again? If no, continue.

4) Turn off everything not related to the software. Attempt again. Does it work? If no, continue.

5) Go to “Settings,” and select “Default.” If this fixes everything, it means you fucked with the settings. If no, continue.

6) Double check. Are you opening the correct software? If not, open the correct software. If you are, continue.

7) Are you sure it’s the right computer? Are you sure you have this program on your home/work computer, and not the other? If yes, continue. If the answer is no, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe, “Drink bleach?”

8) Is the item still under warranty? If you don’t know the answer to this question, let me help:

a. Did you purchase it within the last 90 days? If yes, continue to see if you still have a warranty. If no, continue to step 9.

b. Has it been exposed to water that could be causing the damage? If yes, continue to step 9. If no, continue to see if you still have a warranty.

c. Did you break it? Come on. Be honest. If yes, proceed to step 9 or just give up and get a new one. If you’re lying, you’re doing nobody a service, and this will cost you an arm and a leg in the warranty stage. If no, continue to step nine.

9) If none of this has worked, call support. Tell them you’ve done a basic troubleshoot. If you have determined you are under warranty, discuss with them the warranty return policies. If you are not under warranty, you can tell them that you are not a dipshit, that you have actually eliminated 95% of all tech support issues.

Congratulations, you have personally taken a step in the War Against Dipshittery™ by eliminating some of your own. Go get a t-shirt, and start calling other people dipshits.

Symptom #7 – Leaning Unnecessarily on Tech Support

I want everyone to take a deep breath and repeat after me, “Tech support is a shit job. Tech support employees are not experts in their field, and are rarely if ever pleased by dealing with my problems.”

Tech support is usually an entry-level position for people who would prefer to work in a cubicle with air conditioning to the alternative retail or food service environments. It’s not a very big secret that the actual “support” received has nothing to do with the inherent knowledge of the receiving technician, but in fact has everything to do with a very simple procedure, often scripted on their computer screen. Tech support is almost universally handled through third-party companies who have no direct affiliation with the product in question.

What does this mean to you?

Well, it means that if you put too much credence in their skills, or put too much weight on their responsibility in the company they represent. It turns out that if a Hewlett Packard PC doesn’t work seamlessly, that the world isn’t going to end for the person on the other end of the telephone. They are not your monkeys. Their goal is to proceed through a script without deviation, to do so quickly, to possibly up sell you to another product, and then to read the resolution that also graces their screen.

Let me tell you about another industry secret: Tech support supervisors often have no more authority than the standard employees. They also are often belligerent jerks, and are notorious for turning off the recording on the phone. This means that your yelling at them, and their yelling back at you accomplishes exactly nothing.

What specifically do these dipshits do to tech support? They’ll berate them. They’ll make unrealistic demands. My favorite is, “I’m not paying for this until you fix it.” To which the support person says, “I don’t have any authority to remove the bill. It’ll just go to collections. I’ll help you the best I can.” And is replied with, “I don’t care, I’m still not paying it.”

Another classic case is the threat.  Often, this threat is trans-pacific, as a great deal of tech support is conducted in Asia.  A dipshit will scream profanities and death threats over the phone, all over what is probably his misuse of basic software applications.

How to handle such Dipshits? Well, this is a twofold problem. Either you’re dealing with them as tech support, or not. If you aren’t tech support, you should be able to walk away. Often, belligerent dipshits take pride in yelling at tech support. You’re not going to change their minds. If you can, I applaud you, but it’s probably not worth your time. If you are tech support, it’s a little harder. Your job is more important than a dipshit, under any circumstance. Your best bet is to just pull the receiver away from your ear and let them yell. Then at a convenient time when they take a breath, just hang up. If you’re not recorded, you’re even better off. Just explain to them what they are. If they’re dumb enough to give you an email address, write it down and when you get home, toss them this URL. They need to know.

Here’s another idea: If you’re not recorded, pass off the phone to yourself, and slightly change tone and inflection.  Pretend to be a supervisor.  That way, when you inform said dipshit of their status as such, you can back it up “with authority.”

Next: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Symptom #6 – Using Buzz-Phrases to Justify Politics

Everyone has their own views. Everyone has priorities, everyone has sentiments that they should be proud of. Hiding from your views devalues them. So why would a person come up with a phrase to cover up their real feelings? Well, these people are of a particular breed. You see, if a person finds out the truth about them, they’re one step closer to realizing that the person is in fact a dipshit. And that brings us to today’s Symptom of a Dipshit: Using Buzz-Phrases to Justify Politics.

For today’s lesson, I’m going to focus on a particular phrase that I hear all-too-much. “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative. That’s why I’m voting for the Republican candidate.” I, as a person, am Liberal. Particularly Socialist in viewpoints. But I don’t particularly care what people want to believe, so long as they stand by what they believe in. Needless to say, I hear this one all the time. Let me dissect it for you:

I’m socially liberal.

This, effectively means, “I care about people, and their welfare. It’s a priority of mine to see society caring for its people.” Follow so far?

I’m fiscally conservative.

This means, “I think I should be entitled to as much of my money as possible. It shouldn’t be spent on adding more government to what we already have, in fact I believe we should get rid of a number of programs we currently have.” Effective statement by itself.

This is why I support the Republican candidate.

This statement stands for itself, and doesn’t need explanation. Right now in our state of things, a Republican candidate is typically lauded for socially and fiscally conservative platform.

Take the three statements, and put them together. “I care about people, and think we should do more for them. I also believe though, that my money shouldn’t be used to help people, that I should be able to keep it for myself. This is why I’m voting for the guy who says he’ll help me keep my money for myself.”

A better way to say this is, “I care about money more than people.” And that’s a valid viewpoint. If your priority is money over people, admit it. Own it. But don’t play pretend in order to build a false sense of camaraderie with liberals.

This statement is a perfect example of this breed of dipshit. But you’ll find them in reverse. “I’m socially conservative, but financially liberal, this is why I’m voting Democrat,” but it’s a little rarer. There are dozens of these phrases that become part of Dipshit Vernacular. Let me assist you with your troubles with said Dipshits:

1) Listen to them. Nod a lot. Maybe mention a pundit that supports the viewpoint they seem to espouse.

2) If they agree with you on that pundit’s godhead, proceed. Elsewise, reassess your confrontation and try another example or two.

3) Once they agree, ask them to repeat their statement and listen to it.

4) When they don’t get what they’re saying, explain it to them.

5) Prepare to be flamed on their Livejournal, but never presented with a false pretense by that Dipshit again.

Of course, another option is to get the banner from Symptom #5 on a t-shirt. When you speak with the Dipshit in question, they will laughingly ask why your shirt is calling them a Dipshit. Explain to them, “Because you are.” That’ll help mollify them and resolve the situation quickly.