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Symptom #13 – Trolls (An Open Letter of Advice)

When going to war, there are a great number of things you should do, and a great number of things you should not do. Sun Tzu touched on these things, so has Che Guevara, Mao Tse Dong, et cetera. However, my high horse is so high that I feel it necessary to make a bit of war commentary. I am a far superior douchebag than all previously listed.

When you’re a dipshit, you don’t fight on the home turf of your enemy. One would think this is a piece of common sense, however, remember the distinctly important term, “Dipshit.” So save your breath, and don’t risk carpal tunnel: If you are a dipshit, do not blast those who judge you on their public forums. It’s a simple bit of logic, let it sink in: You are a dipshit. To go to the source, to attempt ridicule against the authority on Dipshittery™, is masochism at best. I really understand that you feel you’re an intellectual. Understand though that every single instance of the Dipshit believes similarly, that for each of the preceding 12 symptoms, most people and I can name valid examples, each of which under false impression of intellect.

I welcome negative comments. I welcome hatemail. I welcome all manner of ridiculousness. However, understand that you are on a blog called “Profile of a Dipshit.” You are dealing with a person who qualifies himself as the utmost authority on Dipshittery. Unless you are flawless in execution, you are nigh guaranteed to give evidence of your blathering stupidity. You are Poland, you are fighting a ground war in Russia.

Dealing with this breed of Dipshit:

For the sake of nicety, the Dealing With segment of this post will be dedicated directly to the dipshits in question. For those of you who read this blog, before you crack wise and attempt to best me with your intarnetsfabuluzness, I have potential alternatives. These are suggested blog subjects where you may in fact prove your superiority. Once you graduate to Top of the Dipshit Pile, you might be able to compete at the Big Kids’ Table.

1) NASCAR

2) Bill O’Reilly

3) Bobby Flay

4) Karl Rove

5) Fantasy Football

6) The Fast and the Furious

7) Coldplay

8) Lindsay Lohan

9) Ben Stiller

10) Profile of a Dipshit

11) Sarah Palin

12) Anime

13) Porn

14) Zogby

15) Star Trek

16) Black Friday Sales

17) Elisabeth Hasselbeck

18) Perez Hilton

19) Wikipedia

20) Myspace

Clearly, people who like any of these things are not truly people, and are not deserving of opinions. I am far superior a human being to any of them, and I would like them to cater to my own tastes. In fact, I hypocritically hold the opinion that if their opinions change to suit, they are still inferior thanks to their obeisance and submission to my will.

So there you have it, dipshits. Twenty things to consider fucking with before you test the waters with the authority on your identity.

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Symptom #12 – Dipshittery as a Sexually-Transmitted Disease

It’s very unfortunate, but if you fuck a dipshit unprotected, you’re liable to become a dipshit.  In the world of dipshittery, abstinence is the only true protection.  Unfortunately, this is often overlooked because of an overwhelming desire to nab a mate.

This case is tragic.  Otherwise intelligent people can be convinced to disbelieve in logic and science as easily as a child being convinced to get into a stranger’s car for candy.  However, it’s often cured at the point where regular sexual coupling ends.  You can usually deal with this dipshit in the same method with which you deal with the dipshit who gave them the disease.  Their methodology is parrotted, which makes your job so much easier.

Diagnosing the Dipshit In Question:

Look at rational thought for your diagnosis.  If an otherwise rational person doesn’t look at logic, there’s clearly an infection.  Be careful, because this could result in a pandemic if left unchecked.  Let me present a hypothetical.

Dipshit A tells Rational Person B: “I DID THIS THING TO BOB! OMGBRAGZ!!!”

Dipshit A tells Rational Person C: “I DID THIS THING TO BOB!  I IS MASTER MANIPULATORZ!!!”

Dipshit A tells Rational Person D: “I DID THIS THING TO BOB!  HE IS FUXXORED!”

Rational People B, C, and D tell Bob what has been said, offering nearly irrefutable evidence to that effect.  One of which does so in a professional capacity.  Bob realizes, “Oh shit…  Dipshit A did this thing.  That’s terrible!”

Dipshit A tells Prospective Dipshit A: “I TOTALLY DIDN’T DO THAT THING!  BOB IS STUPID AND ALL THE PEOPLE I TOLD ARE LYING!”

If Prospective Dipshit A says: “You know…  All those people can’t be lying.  In fact, they all have pretty good track records for honesty.  Why would they all coincidentally change all of a sudden?” Then you have someone who is yet to become infected.

If Prospective Dipshit A says: “YOU TOTALLY DIDN’T DO THAT THING!  BOB IS STUPID AND ALL THE PEOPLE HE TOLD ARE LYING!”  Then you have an infestation.

Often, this phenomenon will occur with admitted dipshits and their victims.  Red flags include but are not limited to

1) Claiming to be master manipulators.

2) Admitting to be liars in some cases, but swearing complete lifelong honesty other times.

3) Childish pranks.

4) Stories that change depending on audience, often irrefutably contradicting.

Usually, this happens in a male victimizing female situation, but is hardly limited in any way.  Many men are contracted into dipshittery.  Most just develop their own forms.

Guide to Dealing With The Infected

Dealing with the infected depends on how much you wish to repair, and how much you wish to ignore.  Ignoring these people is often hard.  Repairing is often harder.  Usually, repair efforts will be construed as relationship sabotage.  In fact, they usually are.  So you have to consider the total value.  Did you spend months helping the person only to be turned on for no reason?  Did you just hope to help an almost stranger?  There will always be high risk if you intend to help.  Sometimes, it’s equally valuable simply writing them off.

If you choose to help, look to the Typhoid Mary of the Dipshittery.  If you know the Mary well, they often have implicated themselves in a number of ways.  Sometimes, it’s even illegal in nature.  Conveniently, the proverbial Typhoid examples are often loud-mouthed braggarts and will brag about their exploits to anyone who will listen.  If you don’t know the Typhoid well, it’s often simple to take advantage of their nature and simply have an unrelated party talk them up.  Give it time, they’ll brag about something unethical or illegal.

If they are being directly Dipshitty towards you, you have to pinpoint the variety of Dipshit the Typhoid is, and behave accordingly.

My advice?  Write them off.  No matter how much you’ve done for them altruistically or how much trust you’ve invested in them, they’re liable to either not welcome the truth, or they’re likely to come around once they’re no longer being regularly injected with the Dipshit™.

Symptom #9 – Environmentalism as a Conversational Piece

Have you ever bought something specifically because the brand, breed, or specific type of item has a positive effect on the environment? Good for you. Has that ever become a conversation piece, akin to, “Yes… In this house, we only buy Fab, because Fab doesn’t use any CFCs that harm the ozone. We just can’t see harming the ozone in this household. Would you like another slice of my fancy cheese?” If it has, chances are that you’re a Dipshit.

Anyone who reads can probably tell you of a number of bullshit scams out there relating to environmentally-friendly products. There are a great number of companies that use the environment to sell things, yes, but this isn’t what we’re talking about. We’re talking about those self-important assholes who do it for a conversation piece, for a bit of moral authority over their peers. Green is fine, dipshit is not.  Were you aware that in Ireland, the government charges a tax on plastic grocery bags?  If you need details, ask our dipshit when you see them with a canvas grocery bag “why is America so regressive?”

They’ll tell you all about it.  Were you aware that driving a Prius single-handedly gives you the authority to judge the rest of the world?  Don’t remind them of the energy costs associated with researching these hybrids.  Definitely don’t remind them that public transportation is cheaper.  Also neglect to mention that mail-ordering your groceries is even better on the environment.  You try to one-up a Dipshit, prepare for a fight.  Keep in mind that an environmentally-friendly Dipshit really only knows one statistic about any given thing they support, and know absolutely nothing about other endeavors.  But that won’t stop them from throwing that one statistic in your face.  Because with a number, they become credible.

Another very common crusade is the “organic” food movement.  A few days ago, I saw, and this is not an exaggeration, “organic water.”  I died a little inside.  That little single-liter bottle was two dollars.  There’s a part of me that wishes to support this company.  A Dipshit and his money is soon parted; and they’re profiting from it.  Can we really fault the company?  Frankly, I feel like a complete moron for not having capitalized on this earlier.

How to deal with this dipshit?  If you’re prepared, you can blow them out of the water.  It’s not hard to find numbers contrary to theirs.  If you’re not prepared, find the logical hole in their one crusade.  It’s usually not hard.  Focus on the fact that what they’re doing is very minor.  Consider the hybrid car owner.  If they spent the 10,000$ less and purchased a Hyundai, that 10,000$ could do so very much more for the environment.  10,000$ worth of trees will eliminate more emissions pollution in a year than that car will over the life of its existence, and it’ll keep doing that for a century.  Request that they just admit the reason for their purchase.  It’s okay people, just tell us it’s a status symbol.  We understand.  We just want you to tell the truth.

Symptom #8 – Religiously Zealous Hypocrites

I can’t really live by a book. It’s not my thing. I’d prefer to live by a movie, and if that movie tells me to save princesses, and instead I shoot them, I’ve officially become a hypocrite. If you choose to live by a book, but you live contrary to it when it’s convenient, you’ve become a hypocrite.

Not just a hypocrite, you’ve become A Dipshit.

The better solution in this case, dipshit, would be to not take up a banner, and just believe what you will. You want to do unto others as you want to do unto them? That’s fine. Don’t call it Christianity. You want to eat pork? That’s cool. Don’t call it Judaism. You want to sleep with one woman and own absolutely no guns? Awesomesauce. Don’t call it Mormonism. You want to breathe while chewing gum? I encourage it. Don’t call it Scientology. Pretty simple to understand? You would think that after thousands of years of religion gracing our species, we might have figured it out.

These dipshits are usually even more “devout,” than their scripture-adhering brethren. My only assumption is that they’re being vocal and forceful to distract from the fact that they’re not practicing what they preach. Everyone has to realize that Marilyn Manson really doesn’t care about eating puppies and pimping out his mother; he’s actually a wuss behind all that makeup. The emperor is actually not wearing clothes, people. Pat Robertson? Stark-raving nude. Tom Cruise? Butt-fucking naked. Make certain they know this. Call the 700 Club. Nobody’s telling him, so Robertson is unaware of his nudity. Any time you are prayed for in a disdainful tone by a Christian, don’t let said Christian go uninformed. Tell them. They deserve to know that they’re naked.

In many parts of the world, this manner of Dipshittery is becoming less and less a plague, but no matter how much progress is made, the world is still plagued heavily. We might not have the Crusades in name, but we still have ridiculous Crusades in the names of Gods who do not condone such things. We still have an enormous population of people in the world who will simply do as they are told, without questioning the authority of man over the authority of their deity.

What are we to do about this threat?  There’s not a lot you can do on the grand scale.  The religiously hypocritical are in charge of more guns in the world than any group of people combined.  On the smaller scale, you need to stand up.  Learn a little of their scripture, the internet is wonderful for the necessary sound bites you need.  Counter Robertson with a little quotation of your own.  This will make them defend themselves off-guard.  Put them off-guard enough, and they’ll realize that you’re on to them.  They’ll either lash out, or they’ll shut up.  They lash out, and you’re good to go.  They spend a night in jail, and you can sue for damages.  The religiously hypocritical believe in tax breaks and stepping on the working class, so you’re set to make bank.  If they shut up, you’ve just won a small victory in the War Against Dipshittery.  So, we win a battle of the war, or you get cash prizes.  Really, it’s a win-win situation.

I’m now taking requests for new Symptoms, and new guides to dealing with Dipshittery.  I’ll even take requests for new Dipshit t-shirts and the like. profileofads@gmail.com is the address, make it happen people.