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Symptom #7 – Leaning Unnecessarily on Tech Support

I want everyone to take a deep breath and repeat after me, “Tech support is a shit job. Tech support employees are not experts in their field, and are rarely if ever pleased by dealing with my problems.”

Tech support is usually an entry-level position for people who would prefer to work in a cubicle with air conditioning to the alternative retail or food service environments. It’s not a very big secret that the actual “support” received has nothing to do with the inherent knowledge of the receiving technician, but in fact has everything to do with a very simple procedure, often scripted on their computer screen. Tech support is almost universally handled through third-party companies who have no direct affiliation with the product in question.

What does this mean to you?

Well, it means that if you put too much credence in their skills, or put too much weight on their responsibility in the company they represent. It turns out that if a Hewlett Packard PC doesn’t work seamlessly, that the world isn’t going to end for the person on the other end of the telephone. They are not your monkeys. Their goal is to proceed through a script without deviation, to do so quickly, to possibly up sell you to another product, and then to read the resolution that also graces their screen.

Let me tell you about another industry secret: Tech support supervisors often have no more authority than the standard employees. They also are often belligerent jerks, and are notorious for turning off the recording on the phone. This means that your yelling at them, and their yelling back at you accomplishes exactly nothing.

What specifically do these dipshits do to tech support? They’ll berate them. They’ll make unrealistic demands. My favorite is, “I’m not paying for this until you fix it.” To which the support person says, “I don’t have any authority to remove the bill. It’ll just go to collections. I’ll help you the best I can.” And is replied with, “I don’t care, I’m still not paying it.”

Another classic case is the threat.  Often, this threat is trans-pacific, as a great deal of tech support is conducted in Asia.  A dipshit will scream profanities and death threats over the phone, all over what is probably his misuse of basic software applications.

How to handle such Dipshits? Well, this is a twofold problem. Either you’re dealing with them as tech support, or not. If you aren’t tech support, you should be able to walk away. Often, belligerent dipshits take pride in yelling at tech support. You’re not going to change their minds. If you can, I applaud you, but it’s probably not worth your time. If you are tech support, it’s a little harder. Your job is more important than a dipshit, under any circumstance. Your best bet is to just pull the receiver away from your ear and let them yell. Then at a convenient time when they take a breath, just hang up. If you’re not recorded, you’re even better off. Just explain to them what they are. If they’re dumb enough to give you an email address, write it down and when you get home, toss them this URL. They need to know.

Here’s another idea: If you’re not recorded, pass off the phone to yourself, and slightly change tone and inflection.  Pretend to be a supervisor.  That way, when you inform said dipshit of their status as such, you can back it up “with authority.”

Next: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support


Symptom #6 – Using Buzz-Phrases to Justify Politics

Everyone has their own views. Everyone has priorities, everyone has sentiments that they should be proud of. Hiding from your views devalues them. So why would a person come up with a phrase to cover up their real feelings? Well, these people are of a particular breed. You see, if a person finds out the truth about them, they’re one step closer to realizing that the person is in fact a dipshit. And that brings us to today’s Symptom of a Dipshit: Using Buzz-Phrases to Justify Politics.

For today’s lesson, I’m going to focus on a particular phrase that I hear all-too-much. “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative. That’s why I’m voting for the Republican candidate.” I, as a person, am Liberal. Particularly Socialist in viewpoints. But I don’t particularly care what people want to believe, so long as they stand by what they believe in. Needless to say, I hear this one all the time. Let me dissect it for you:

I’m socially liberal.

This, effectively means, “I care about people, and their welfare. It’s a priority of mine to see society caring for its people.” Follow so far?

I’m fiscally conservative.

This means, “I think I should be entitled to as much of my money as possible. It shouldn’t be spent on adding more government to what we already have, in fact I believe we should get rid of a number of programs we currently have.” Effective statement by itself.

This is why I support the Republican candidate.

This statement stands for itself, and doesn’t need explanation. Right now in our state of things, a Republican candidate is typically lauded for socially and fiscally conservative platform.

Take the three statements, and put them together. “I care about people, and think we should do more for them. I also believe though, that my money shouldn’t be used to help people, that I should be able to keep it for myself. This is why I’m voting for the guy who says he’ll help me keep my money for myself.”

A better way to say this is, “I care about money more than people.” And that’s a valid viewpoint. If your priority is money over people, admit it. Own it. But don’t play pretend in order to build a false sense of camaraderie with liberals.

This statement is a perfect example of this breed of dipshit. But you’ll find them in reverse. “I’m socially conservative, but financially liberal, this is why I’m voting Democrat,” but it’s a little rarer. There are dozens of these phrases that become part of Dipshit Vernacular. Let me assist you with your troubles with said Dipshits:

1) Listen to them. Nod a lot. Maybe mention a pundit that supports the viewpoint they seem to espouse.

2) If they agree with you on that pundit’s godhead, proceed. Elsewise, reassess your confrontation and try another example or two.

3) Once they agree, ask them to repeat their statement and listen to it.

4) When they don’t get what they’re saying, explain it to them.

5) Prepare to be flamed on their Livejournal, but never presented with a false pretense by that Dipshit again.

Of course, another option is to get the banner from Symptom #5 on a t-shirt. When you speak with the Dipshit in question, they will laughingly ask why your shirt is calling them a Dipshit. Explain to them, “Because you are.” That’ll help mollify them and resolve the situation quickly.

Symptom #5 – Bad Driving

Have you ever had the pleasure of following someone in a fast lane who has decided that 45 is a safe speed? Have you ever wondered just when a person was going to decide which lane they should be in? Chances are, you were dealing with a dipshit.

Dipshits can’t drive like normal people. Ask them, and each and every one of them has a reason why they can’t. Understand that dipshits always have to be the exception, they can never been the rule. Once they become like everyone else, they can’t hold themselves as better than everyone. Dipshit drivers take this to the extreme however, putting lives in danger to guarantee their uniqueness. Expect lane shifts without signal, expect abrupt starts and stops. If they hit your vehicle, expect them to laugh it off or to cry hysterically. Rational behavior is not allowed for this breed of dipshit, which is largely unsurprising.

How would you deal with this type of dipshit? This depends on how much you value your particular vehicle. If you think a ding or two couldn’t hurt, fight them tooth and nail. They drive with the emergency light on in the fast lane? Play chicken with them, and find out how close you can get without touching. They shift lanes without signaling? Pass them without signal, slow down, let them overtake you, and repeat. If your car is sufficiently valuable that the risk isn’t worth it, I’ve provided a less aggressive but still often effective solution:

1) Print the following image:

2) Carry it with you at all times.

3) When dealing with dipshits, make certain they’re aware of their transgressions. If laminated, it serves well to hold up in your car window in lieu of the tired old middle finger. Besides, the middle finger is far too vague a statement.

Symptom #4 – Self-Diagnosis to Make and Manipulate People

Dipshits are never experts of only one topic. Every real dipshit has mastered at least two subjects; their field of professional expertise and a medical or psychological disorder to self-diagnose themselves with. Why would they do this? Unique people are cool. People with disorders are unique. So by this logic, people with disorders are inherently cooler than people without disorders. A few names and a few minutes on wikipedia, and anyone so inclined can find a plethora of disorders to diagnose themselves with. Try it, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Interaction with this sort of dipshit requires an understanding. In almost every one of these cases, the subject is self-diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and are the only valid case of ADD in the world. “Doctors love to over-diagnose ADD. But I’m a real case. I don’t like that my disorder is misrepresented in the media.” Keep that phrase in mind when speaking with them, because you’ll hear it almost religiously. “Oh, I’m sorry I screamed at you and threatened you. I’m not taking my medication today. People these days are over-medicated. It’s a shame, because my problems are legitimate.” That’s another winner. It’s a great thing though for them, because if they find an enabler, they can do and say whatever they want to them, so long as they follow it up with a statement about their medication. For a more culturally-diverse version of this phenomena, see an Italian who follows up terrible slander with, “I’m just busting your balls.” It’s the same thing.

Might you be dealing with a particularly skilled case of Dipshittery™? There’s a very simple method for determination. Have they diagnosed you? If the answer is yes, they are particularly problematic. If not, you can let people pity them, so long as it doesn’t interfere with your life. Skilled members also follow up their self-diagnoses with a few trips to medical professionals, and will continue until one tells them either what they want, or “clarifies just what they suffer from.” Talk to ten psychologists, at least one will give you medication. It’s a numbers game that the True Dipshit is a master of. Then, when you call them a fake, they have subjective and profiteering Medical Science to back up their claims.

How do you deal with this breed of dipshit? Find something in their area of expertise that fits them sufficiently to beat them at their own game. A good example might be, “Oh? I’m a sociopath? That’s great. You’re histrionic. Here are the symptoms, see how wonderfully they fit?” Histrionic is a great one, because it fits almost every case of this dipshit. They can’t say you’re doing anything bad to them, because ultimately you’re making them cooler and more unique.

Symptom #3 – Entitlement Syndrome

Some people feel that they are entitled to basic human rights. That’s wonderful. Some people feel that you’re responsible for guaranteeing them. That’s not.

Freedom of Speech is an often-used BuzzPhrase™ by dipshits. They make references to the First Amendment. Let me quote it here, just so we’re on the same page:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Congress shall make no law… So what that says is, when someone tells you to shut up, they’re not actually violating anything? In fact, for Congress to make a law preventing such would be a violation of the First Amendment.

This is exemplary of the Entitlement Syndrome. Dipshits seem to reinterpret things to afford them more entitlement in a given situation. When you don’t guarantee said entitlement, you become the tyrant. And those less capable of reading give a decided sigh of support to said dipshit. When someone says or does something that defies their world-perspective, they launch a barrage of personal attacks. This is almost always a direct violation of their so-called rights, a double standard at best.

Dealing with this type of dipshit: This is one of the easier ones, when it remains on the small scale. Ignoring them and quoting truth works to shut them up or keep their complaints within certain circles. On a larger scale, expect plenty of argument. Your best bet is to create a professional-looking cease and desist letter. For assistance, feel free to contact the editor at

Symptom #2 – Over-inflated Professional Duty

Have you ever known a janitor who is a “Waste Removal Specialist?” Have you ever known a secretary who is a “Document Handling Technician?” Chances are, you’re dealing with a dipshit. This breed of dipshit is particularly entertaining to listen to, because they will diagnose at their supposed level of expertise, while a subject who has attended a modicum of college can point out the fallacies in the diagnosis.

Often, these situations are result of the very tragic problem of being too old and too low on the totem pole for a position. This is a terrible shame, and you have to afford a certain degree of empathy, but don’t dare sympathize. You’ll enable them. Then, you become either too much a friend, or too much an enemy.

You’re going to be on the receiving end, if you are associated with this dipshit. If they are a secretary, you’ll be taught how to organize. If they’re a janitor, your house is in shambles. Ask them, they’ll tell you. It only gets better as the jobs get more obscure and unrelated to your day-to-day minutiae. Have you ever heard the jargon associated with the pharmaceutical industry? Ask the guy who checks security passes at the door. You want to know about the details of a super-advanced alternative fuel engine? Get a friend who works in the assembly line at Honda building door liners.

How do you deal with this breed of dipshit? Good thing you asked. Being an expert on Dipshitology, I have a lot of experience in dealing with them. One time, when Bob at the office found himself in league with a dipshit, he…

You ignore them. If you really want to push their buttons, you find and stockpile citations for real facts of their industry that are above their heads. Throw a few in their faces, and it can be chalked up to their “area of expertise not encompassing that particular topic,” but if you throw a new one in their face every time they open their mouths, you win and ultimately the dipshit leaves you alone.

Symptom #1 – Berating Through Allegory

When dealing with a dipshit, do understand that if you cannot read between the lines of evasive and vague allegory, you’re unlikely to know when they hate you with every ounce of their being. A dipshit will often fancy themselves rather witty and/or crafty, and will use thinly veiled reference to attack those who don’t stand for their Dipshittery™.

In almost every circumstance, allegories will be handled in the confines of a given social clique. For example, if the dipshit in question is a furry, expect to be portrayed as a vicious bear or shark, opposing the noble wolf. Fantasy nerd? Let’s hope being portrayed as an orc doesn’t hurt your feelings.

Speak with them on good terms, and they’ll brag about their allegorical scenarios. They’ll tell you how they cleverly added a pretentious painter individual into a short story as a maniacal robot who is self-important painter who happens to be the scourge of WolfPlanet. However, this doesn’t work both ways. Confront them later about the story about “Crob the Terrible, Securitron Malificent,” when your name happens to be Rob, and you’re a Security Guard, they’ll make clever comments about how the story isn’t about you, but if you feel like it is, you might want to consider why you think that way.

Dealing with this breed of dipshit is simple; have the last word. Let them be aware of what they’ve done and/or said, and how transparent it is. Then back off, ignore them. They’ll brew like the little teapots they are.

Profiling: A Calendar

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