Posts Tagged 'Dipshits'

Symptom #12 – Dipshittery as a Sexually-Transmitted Disease

It’s very unfortunate, but if you fuck a dipshit unprotected, you’re liable to become a dipshit.  In the world of dipshittery, abstinence is the only true protection.  Unfortunately, this is often overlooked because of an overwhelming desire to nab a mate.

This case is tragic.  Otherwise intelligent people can be convinced to disbelieve in logic and science as easily as a child being convinced to get into a stranger’s car for candy.  However, it’s often cured at the point where regular sexual coupling ends.  You can usually deal with this dipshit in the same method with which you deal with the dipshit who gave them the disease.  Their methodology is parrotted, which makes your job so much easier.

Diagnosing the Dipshit In Question:

Look at rational thought for your diagnosis.  If an otherwise rational person doesn’t look at logic, there’s clearly an infection.  Be careful, because this could result in a pandemic if left unchecked.  Let me present a hypothetical.

Dipshit A tells Rational Person B: “I DID THIS THING TO BOB! OMGBRAGZ!!!”

Dipshit A tells Rational Person C: “I DID THIS THING TO BOB!  I IS MASTER MANIPULATORZ!!!”

Dipshit A tells Rational Person D: “I DID THIS THING TO BOB!  HE IS FUXXORED!”

Rational People B, C, and D tell Bob what has been said, offering nearly irrefutable evidence to that effect.  One of which does so in a professional capacity.  Bob realizes, “Oh shit…  Dipshit A did this thing.  That’s terrible!”

Dipshit A tells Prospective Dipshit A: “I TOTALLY DIDN’T DO THAT THING!  BOB IS STUPID AND ALL THE PEOPLE I TOLD ARE LYING!”

If Prospective Dipshit A says: “You know…  All those people can’t be lying.  In fact, they all have pretty good track records for honesty.  Why would they all coincidentally change all of a sudden?” Then you have someone who is yet to become infected.

If Prospective Dipshit A says: “YOU TOTALLY DIDN’T DO THAT THING!  BOB IS STUPID AND ALL THE PEOPLE HE TOLD ARE LYING!”  Then you have an infestation.

Often, this phenomenon will occur with admitted dipshits and their victims.  Red flags include but are not limited to

1) Claiming to be master manipulators.

2) Admitting to be liars in some cases, but swearing complete lifelong honesty other times.

3) Childish pranks.

4) Stories that change depending on audience, often irrefutably contradicting.

Usually, this happens in a male victimizing female situation, but is hardly limited in any way.  Many men are contracted into dipshittery.  Most just develop their own forms.

Guide to Dealing With The Infected

Dealing with the infected depends on how much you wish to repair, and how much you wish to ignore.  Ignoring these people is often hard.  Repairing is often harder.  Usually, repair efforts will be construed as relationship sabotage.  In fact, they usually are.  So you have to consider the total value.  Did you spend months helping the person only to be turned on for no reason?  Did you just hope to help an almost stranger?  There will always be high risk if you intend to help.  Sometimes, it’s equally valuable simply writing them off.

If you choose to help, look to the Typhoid Mary of the Dipshittery.  If you know the Mary well, they often have implicated themselves in a number of ways.  Sometimes, it’s even illegal in nature.  Conveniently, the proverbial Typhoid examples are often loud-mouthed braggarts and will brag about their exploits to anyone who will listen.  If you don’t know the Typhoid well, it’s often simple to take advantage of their nature and simply have an unrelated party talk them up.  Give it time, they’ll brag about something unethical or illegal.

If they are being directly Dipshitty towards you, you have to pinpoint the variety of Dipshit the Typhoid is, and behave accordingly.

My advice?  Write them off.  No matter how much you’ve done for them altruistically or how much trust you’ve invested in them, they’re liable to either not welcome the truth, or they’re likely to come around once they’re no longer being regularly injected with the Dipshit™.

Symptom #11 – People Who Watch Parody Movies

Let me get an initial list out of the way:

1) Scary Movie

2) Scary Movie 2

3) Scary Movie 3

4) Not Another Teen Movie

5) Walk Hard

6) Epic Movie

7) Meet the Spartans

8-1,000,000) Other Assorted Anathema to Film

If you watch these movies voluntarily, you are probably a dipshit. If you enjoy them, you are in fact a dipshit. Understand that these movies are the shit beneath the hoof of the donkey that is popular film. This week, I went to see a movie and was graced with a poster for “Disaster Movie.” There hasn’t even been a disaster movie to parody in something like five years. When I say disaster movie, I mean things such as “Twister,” “Armageddon,” and the like. I don’t mean “Battlefield Earth,” or “The Passion of the Christ.”

Why are you a dipshit for liking these movies? If you’ve noticed, these “parodies,” are not actually parodies. They are simply the parodied movie with a handful of dick and fart jokes thrown in. Movies that get parodied these days don’t actually need parodies. They are amply ridiculous as they stand. The only social commentary that I can draw from said parodies is the fact that they often gross the same amount as their blockbuster counterparts, and are using budgets less than a tenth as large and using actors that have either not been heard of, or have no current relevance. The movie industry gets one over on us by replacing high-paid 20 year old women with Carmen Electra. Oscar-winning actors can be replaced with Vern Troyer. And you know what? You’ll still buy it. Not only will you buy it, but you’ll buy the original as well.

So what does this make the Parody Movie? It’s like the reach-around during anal. Yes, you could just take it in the ass, but you’re paying good money to be nailed. Why not pay the premium and get a little yank?

What I want to see is a film called Parody Movie. Essentially, it would be a RE-recycling of shitty Hollywood plots. You take the parody, and you re-record it frame by frame with an even lower-paid cast. Look hard, Hollywood. You’ll find someone who can work for less than Carrot Top. In fact, you could use the homeless. I’m almost certain with a 100$ budget and a trip downtown, I could cast a film with better acting than 100 Carmen Electras. A writing staff isn’t necessary, as we would simply steal from the originals and add in jokes taken from Beavis and Butthead reruns. With the cost of the camera, cast, editing, I could probably record for under 1,000$. I’d pay a lawyer 90,000$ to remain on retainer in case of potential copyright issues. I would reserve 100,000$ to compensate for my own genius. If we only grossed 5,000,000$, which is nothing for modern films, we would still be netting 4,809,000$. That’s remarkable, when many films don’t net a single red cent before merchandising and DVD licensing.

How do you deal with this breed of dipshit? As per the norm, you can usually ignore them. However, if you need to deal with them, your best bet is to offer them 10$ to be in your newest film.

Symptom #9 – Environmentalism as a Conversational Piece

Have you ever bought something specifically because the brand, breed, or specific type of item has a positive effect on the environment? Good for you. Has that ever become a conversation piece, akin to, “Yes… In this house, we only buy Fab, because Fab doesn’t use any CFCs that harm the ozone. We just can’t see harming the ozone in this household. Would you like another slice of my fancy cheese?” If it has, chances are that you’re a Dipshit.

Anyone who reads can probably tell you of a number of bullshit scams out there relating to environmentally-friendly products. There are a great number of companies that use the environment to sell things, yes, but this isn’t what we’re talking about. We’re talking about those self-important assholes who do it for a conversation piece, for a bit of moral authority over their peers. Green is fine, dipshit is not.  Were you aware that in Ireland, the government charges a tax on plastic grocery bags?  If you need details, ask our dipshit when you see them with a canvas grocery bag “why is America so regressive?”

They’ll tell you all about it.  Were you aware that driving a Prius single-handedly gives you the authority to judge the rest of the world?  Don’t remind them of the energy costs associated with researching these hybrids.  Definitely don’t remind them that public transportation is cheaper.  Also neglect to mention that mail-ordering your groceries is even better on the environment.  You try to one-up a Dipshit, prepare for a fight.  Keep in mind that an environmentally-friendly Dipshit really only knows one statistic about any given thing they support, and know absolutely nothing about other endeavors.  But that won’t stop them from throwing that one statistic in your face.  Because with a number, they become credible.

Another very common crusade is the “organic” food movement.  A few days ago, I saw, and this is not an exaggeration, “organic water.”  I died a little inside.  That little single-liter bottle was two dollars.  There’s a part of me that wishes to support this company.  A Dipshit and his money is soon parted; and they’re profiting from it.  Can we really fault the company?  Frankly, I feel like a complete moron for not having capitalized on this earlier.

How to deal with this dipshit?  If you’re prepared, you can blow them out of the water.  It’s not hard to find numbers contrary to theirs.  If you’re not prepared, find the logical hole in their one crusade.  It’s usually not hard.  Focus on the fact that what they’re doing is very minor.  Consider the hybrid car owner.  If they spent the 10,000$ less and purchased a Hyundai, that 10,000$ could do so very much more for the environment.  10,000$ worth of trees will eliminate more emissions pollution in a year than that car will over the life of its existence, and it’ll keep doing that for a century.  Request that they just admit the reason for their purchase.  It’s okay people, just tell us it’s a status symbol.  We understand.  We just want you to tell the truth.

Special Edition: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Are you in the technical support industry? Do you regularly deal with dipshits? Please, just hang up on them and email them this URL. This will help decrease your workload. In fact, I think it could remove almost 95% of all technical support inquiries.

Dear Dipshit,

You have been directed to this page because you have contacted technical support, and they don’t feel you’re worth the oxygen they breathe. So follow these steps before bothering technical support in the future:

1) Is your device plugged in? Are all possible plugs attached? Don’t answer this. Check it. There’s a good chance you’re wrong in your default, “Of course it is!”

2) Is your device turned on? If no, turn it on and viola. If the problem persists, continue.

3) Can you try to open the piece of software? Does it open again? If no, continue.

4) Turn off everything not related to the software. Attempt again. Does it work? If no, continue.

5) Go to “Settings,” and select “Default.” If this fixes everything, it means you fucked with the settings. If no, continue.

6) Double check. Are you opening the correct software? If not, open the correct software. If you are, continue.

7) Are you sure it’s the right computer? Are you sure you have this program on your home/work computer, and not the other? If yes, continue. If the answer is no, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe, “Drink bleach?”

8) Is the item still under warranty? If you don’t know the answer to this question, let me help:

a. Did you purchase it within the last 90 days? If yes, continue to see if you still have a warranty. If no, continue to step 9.

b. Has it been exposed to water that could be causing the damage? If yes, continue to step 9. If no, continue to see if you still have a warranty.

c. Did you break it? Come on. Be honest. If yes, proceed to step 9 or just give up and get a new one. If you’re lying, you’re doing nobody a service, and this will cost you an arm and a leg in the warranty stage. If no, continue to step nine.

9) If none of this has worked, call support. Tell them you’ve done a basic troubleshoot. If you have determined you are under warranty, discuss with them the warranty return policies. If you are not under warranty, you can tell them that you are not a dipshit, that you have actually eliminated 95% of all tech support issues.

Congratulations, you have personally taken a step in the War Against Dipshittery™ by eliminating some of your own. Go get a t-shirt, and start calling other people dipshits.

Symptom #7 – Leaning Unnecessarily on Tech Support

I want everyone to take a deep breath and repeat after me, “Tech support is a shit job. Tech support employees are not experts in their field, and are rarely if ever pleased by dealing with my problems.”

Tech support is usually an entry-level position for people who would prefer to work in a cubicle with air conditioning to the alternative retail or food service environments. It’s not a very big secret that the actual “support” received has nothing to do with the inherent knowledge of the receiving technician, but in fact has everything to do with a very simple procedure, often scripted on their computer screen. Tech support is almost universally handled through third-party companies who have no direct affiliation with the product in question.

What does this mean to you?

Well, it means that if you put too much credence in their skills, or put too much weight on their responsibility in the company they represent. It turns out that if a Hewlett Packard PC doesn’t work seamlessly, that the world isn’t going to end for the person on the other end of the telephone. They are not your monkeys. Their goal is to proceed through a script without deviation, to do so quickly, to possibly up sell you to another product, and then to read the resolution that also graces their screen.

Let me tell you about another industry secret: Tech support supervisors often have no more authority than the standard employees. They also are often belligerent jerks, and are notorious for turning off the recording on the phone. This means that your yelling at them, and their yelling back at you accomplishes exactly nothing.

What specifically do these dipshits do to tech support? They’ll berate them. They’ll make unrealistic demands. My favorite is, “I’m not paying for this until you fix it.” To which the support person says, “I don’t have any authority to remove the bill. It’ll just go to collections. I’ll help you the best I can.” And is replied with, “I don’t care, I’m still not paying it.”

Another classic case is the threat.  Often, this threat is trans-pacific, as a great deal of tech support is conducted in Asia.  A dipshit will scream profanities and death threats over the phone, all over what is probably his misuse of basic software applications.

How to handle such Dipshits? Well, this is a twofold problem. Either you’re dealing with them as tech support, or not. If you aren’t tech support, you should be able to walk away. Often, belligerent dipshits take pride in yelling at tech support. You’re not going to change their minds. If you can, I applaud you, but it’s probably not worth your time. If you are tech support, it’s a little harder. Your job is more important than a dipshit, under any circumstance. Your best bet is to just pull the receiver away from your ear and let them yell. Then at a convenient time when they take a breath, just hang up. If you’re not recorded, you’re even better off. Just explain to them what they are. If they’re dumb enough to give you an email address, write it down and when you get home, toss them this URL. They need to know.

Here’s another idea: If you’re not recorded, pass off the phone to yourself, and slightly change tone and inflection.  Pretend to be a supervisor.  That way, when you inform said dipshit of their status as such, you can back it up “with authority.”

Next: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Symptom #5 – Bad Driving

Have you ever had the pleasure of following someone in a fast lane who has decided that 45 is a safe speed? Have you ever wondered just when a person was going to decide which lane they should be in? Chances are, you were dealing with a dipshit.

Dipshits can’t drive like normal people. Ask them, and each and every one of them has a reason why they can’t. Understand that dipshits always have to be the exception, they can never been the rule. Once they become like everyone else, they can’t hold themselves as better than everyone. Dipshit drivers take this to the extreme however, putting lives in danger to guarantee their uniqueness. Expect lane shifts without signal, expect abrupt starts and stops. If they hit your vehicle, expect them to laugh it off or to cry hysterically. Rational behavior is not allowed for this breed of dipshit, which is largely unsurprising.

How would you deal with this type of dipshit? This depends on how much you value your particular vehicle. If you think a ding or two couldn’t hurt, fight them tooth and nail. They drive with the emergency light on in the fast lane? Play chicken with them, and find out how close you can get without touching. They shift lanes without signaling? Pass them without signal, slow down, let them overtake you, and repeat. If your car is sufficiently valuable that the risk isn’t worth it, I’ve provided a less aggressive but still often effective solution:

1) Print the following image:

2) Carry it with you at all times.

3) When dealing with dipshits, make certain they’re aware of their transgressions. If laminated, it serves well to hold up in your car window in lieu of the tired old middle finger. Besides, the middle finger is far too vague a statement.

Symptom #4 – Self-Diagnosis to Make and Manipulate People

Dipshits are never experts of only one topic. Every real dipshit has mastered at least two subjects; their field of professional expertise and a medical or psychological disorder to self-diagnose themselves with. Why would they do this? Unique people are cool. People with disorders are unique. So by this logic, people with disorders are inherently cooler than people without disorders. A few names and a few minutes on wikipedia, and anyone so inclined can find a plethora of disorders to diagnose themselves with. Try it, I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Interaction with this sort of dipshit requires an understanding. In almost every one of these cases, the subject is self-diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and are the only valid case of ADD in the world. “Doctors love to over-diagnose ADD. But I’m a real case. I don’t like that my disorder is misrepresented in the media.” Keep that phrase in mind when speaking with them, because you’ll hear it almost religiously. “Oh, I’m sorry I screamed at you and threatened you. I’m not taking my medication today. People these days are over-medicated. It’s a shame, because my problems are legitimate.” That’s another winner. It’s a great thing though for them, because if they find an enabler, they can do and say whatever they want to them, so long as they follow it up with a statement about their medication. For a more culturally-diverse version of this phenomena, see an Italian who follows up terrible slander with, “I’m just busting your balls.” It’s the same thing.

Might you be dealing with a particularly skilled case of Dipshittery™? There’s a very simple method for determination. Have they diagnosed you? If the answer is yes, they are particularly problematic. If not, you can let people pity them, so long as it doesn’t interfere with your life. Skilled members also follow up their self-diagnoses with a few trips to medical professionals, and will continue until one tells them either what they want, or “clarifies just what they suffer from.” Talk to ten psychologists, at least one will give you medication. It’s a numbers game that the True Dipshit is a master of. Then, when you call them a fake, they have subjective and profiteering Medical Science to back up their claims.

How do you deal with this breed of dipshit? Find something in their area of expertise that fits them sufficiently to beat them at their own game. A good example might be, “Oh? I’m a sociopath? That’s great. You’re histrionic. Here are the symptoms, see how wonderfully they fit?” Histrionic is a great one, because it fits almost every case of this dipshit. They can’t say you’re doing anything bad to them, because ultimately you’re making them cooler and more unique.