Posts Tagged 'Movies'

Symptom #11 – People Who Watch Parody Movies

Let me get an initial list out of the way:

1) Scary Movie

2) Scary Movie 2

3) Scary Movie 3

4) Not Another Teen Movie

5) Walk Hard

6) Epic Movie

7) Meet the Spartans

8-1,000,000) Other Assorted Anathema to Film

If you watch these movies voluntarily, you are probably a dipshit. If you enjoy them, you are in fact a dipshit. Understand that these movies are the shit beneath the hoof of the donkey that is popular film. This week, I went to see a movie and was graced with a poster for “Disaster Movie.” There hasn’t even been a disaster movie to parody in something like five years. When I say disaster movie, I mean things such as “Twister,” “Armageddon,” and the like. I don’t mean “Battlefield Earth,” or “The Passion of the Christ.”

Why are you a dipshit for liking these movies? If you’ve noticed, these “parodies,” are not actually parodies. They are simply the parodied movie with a handful of dick and fart jokes thrown in. Movies that get parodied these days don’t actually need parodies. They are amply ridiculous as they stand. The only social commentary that I can draw from said parodies is the fact that they often gross the same amount as their blockbuster counterparts, and are using budgets less than a tenth as large and using actors that have either not been heard of, or have no current relevance. The movie industry gets one over on us by replacing high-paid 20 year old women with Carmen Electra. Oscar-winning actors can be replaced with Vern Troyer. And you know what? You’ll still buy it. Not only will you buy it, but you’ll buy the original as well.

So what does this make the Parody Movie? It’s like the reach-around during anal. Yes, you could just take it in the ass, but you’re paying good money to be nailed. Why not pay the premium and get a little yank?

What I want to see is a film called Parody Movie. Essentially, it would be a RE-recycling of shitty Hollywood plots. You take the parody, and you re-record it frame by frame with an even lower-paid cast. Look hard, Hollywood. You’ll find someone who can work for less than Carrot Top. In fact, you could use the homeless. I’m almost certain with a 100$ budget and a trip downtown, I could cast a film with better acting than 100 Carmen Electras. A writing staff isn’t necessary, as we would simply steal from the originals and add in jokes taken from Beavis and Butthead reruns. With the cost of the camera, cast, editing, I could probably record for under 1,000$. I’d pay a lawyer 90,000$ to remain on retainer in case of potential copyright issues. I would reserve 100,000$ to compensate for my own genius. If we only grossed 5,000,000$, which is nothing for modern films, we would still be netting 4,809,000$. That’s remarkable, when many films don’t net a single red cent before merchandising and DVD licensing.

How do you deal with this breed of dipshit? As per the norm, you can usually ignore them. However, if you need to deal with them, your best bet is to offer them 10$ to be in your newest film.


Profiling: A Calendar

July 2018
« Nov