Posts Tagged 'satire'

Special Edition: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Are you in the technical support industry? Do you regularly deal with dipshits? Please, just hang up on them and email them this URL. This will help decrease your workload. In fact, I think it could remove almost 95% of all technical support inquiries.

Dear Dipshit,

You have been directed to this page because you have contacted technical support, and they don’t feel you’re worth the oxygen they breathe. So follow these steps before bothering technical support in the future:

1) Is your device plugged in? Are all possible plugs attached? Don’t answer this. Check it. There’s a good chance you’re wrong in your default, “Of course it is!”

2) Is your device turned on? If no, turn it on and viola. If the problem persists, continue.

3) Can you try to open the piece of software? Does it open again? If no, continue.

4) Turn off everything not related to the software. Attempt again. Does it work? If no, continue.

5) Go to “Settings,” and select “Default.” If this fixes everything, it means you fucked with the settings. If no, continue.

6) Double check. Are you opening the correct software? If not, open the correct software. If you are, continue.

7) Are you sure it’s the right computer? Are you sure you have this program on your home/work computer, and not the other? If yes, continue. If the answer is no, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe, “Drink bleach?”

8) Is the item still under warranty? If you don’t know the answer to this question, let me help:

a. Did you purchase it within the last 90 days? If yes, continue to see if you still have a warranty. If no, continue to step 9.

b. Has it been exposed to water that could be causing the damage? If yes, continue to step 9. If no, continue to see if you still have a warranty.

c. Did you break it? Come on. Be honest. If yes, proceed to step 9 or just give up and get a new one. If you’re lying, you’re doing nobody a service, and this will cost you an arm and a leg in the warranty stage. If no, continue to step nine.

9) If none of this has worked, call support. Tell them you’ve done a basic troubleshoot. If you have determined you are under warranty, discuss with them the warranty return policies. If you are not under warranty, you can tell them that you are not a dipshit, that you have actually eliminated 95% of all tech support issues.

Congratulations, you have personally taken a step in the War Against Dipshittery™ by eliminating some of your own. Go get a t-shirt, and start calling other people dipshits.

Symptom #5 – Bad Driving

Have you ever had the pleasure of following someone in a fast lane who has decided that 45 is a safe speed? Have you ever wondered just when a person was going to decide which lane they should be in? Chances are, you were dealing with a dipshit.

Dipshits can’t drive like normal people. Ask them, and each and every one of them has a reason why they can’t. Understand that dipshits always have to be the exception, they can never been the rule. Once they become like everyone else, they can’t hold themselves as better than everyone. Dipshit drivers take this to the extreme however, putting lives in danger to guarantee their uniqueness. Expect lane shifts without signal, expect abrupt starts and stops. If they hit your vehicle, expect them to laugh it off or to cry hysterically. Rational behavior is not allowed for this breed of dipshit, which is largely unsurprising.

How would you deal with this type of dipshit? This depends on how much you value your particular vehicle. If you think a ding or two couldn’t hurt, fight them tooth and nail. They drive with the emergency light on in the fast lane? Play chicken with them, and find out how close you can get without touching. They shift lanes without signaling? Pass them without signal, slow down, let them overtake you, and repeat. If your car is sufficiently valuable that the risk isn’t worth it, I’ve provided a less aggressive but still often effective solution:

1) Print the following image:

2) Carry it with you at all times.

3) When dealing with dipshits, make certain they’re aware of their transgressions. If laminated, it serves well to hold up in your car window in lieu of the tired old middle finger. Besides, the middle finger is far too vague a statement.


Profiling: A Calendar

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