Posts Tagged 'Tech Support'

Special Edition: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Are you in the technical support industry? Do you regularly deal with dipshits? Please, just hang up on them and email them this URL. This will help decrease your workload. In fact, I think it could remove almost 95% of all technical support inquiries.

Dear Dipshit,

You have been directed to this page because you have contacted technical support, and they don’t feel you’re worth the oxygen they breathe. So follow these steps before bothering technical support in the future:

1) Is your device plugged in? Are all possible plugs attached? Don’t answer this. Check it. There’s a good chance you’re wrong in your default, “Of course it is!”

2) Is your device turned on? If no, turn it on and viola. If the problem persists, continue.

3) Can you try to open the piece of software? Does it open again? If no, continue.

4) Turn off everything not related to the software. Attempt again. Does it work? If no, continue.

5) Go to “Settings,” and select “Default.” If this fixes everything, it means you fucked with the settings. If no, continue.

6) Double check. Are you opening the correct software? If not, open the correct software. If you are, continue.

7) Are you sure it’s the right computer? Are you sure you have this program on your home/work computer, and not the other? If yes, continue. If the answer is no, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe, “Drink bleach?”

8) Is the item still under warranty? If you don’t know the answer to this question, let me help:

a. Did you purchase it within the last 90 days? If yes, continue to see if you still have a warranty. If no, continue to step 9.

b. Has it been exposed to water that could be causing the damage? If yes, continue to step 9. If no, continue to see if you still have a warranty.

c. Did you break it? Come on. Be honest. If yes, proceed to step 9 or just give up and get a new one. If you’re lying, you’re doing nobody a service, and this will cost you an arm and a leg in the warranty stage. If no, continue to step nine.

9) If none of this has worked, call support. Tell them you’ve done a basic troubleshoot. If you have determined you are under warranty, discuss with them the warranty return policies. If you are not under warranty, you can tell them that you are not a dipshit, that you have actually eliminated 95% of all tech support issues.

Congratulations, you have personally taken a step in the War Against Dipshittery™ by eliminating some of your own. Go get a t-shirt, and start calling other people dipshits.

Symptom #7 – Leaning Unnecessarily on Tech Support

I want everyone to take a deep breath and repeat after me, “Tech support is a shit job. Tech support employees are not experts in their field, and are rarely if ever pleased by dealing with my problems.”

Tech support is usually an entry-level position for people who would prefer to work in a cubicle with air conditioning to the alternative retail or food service environments. It’s not a very big secret that the actual “support” received has nothing to do with the inherent knowledge of the receiving technician, but in fact has everything to do with a very simple procedure, often scripted on their computer screen. Tech support is almost universally handled through third-party companies who have no direct affiliation with the product in question.

What does this mean to you?

Well, it means that if you put too much credence in their skills, or put too much weight on their responsibility in the company they represent. It turns out that if a Hewlett Packard PC doesn’t work seamlessly, that the world isn’t going to end for the person on the other end of the telephone. They are not your monkeys. Their goal is to proceed through a script without deviation, to do so quickly, to possibly up sell you to another product, and then to read the resolution that also graces their screen.

Let me tell you about another industry secret: Tech support supervisors often have no more authority than the standard employees. They also are often belligerent jerks, and are notorious for turning off the recording on the phone. This means that your yelling at them, and their yelling back at you accomplishes exactly nothing.

What specifically do these dipshits do to tech support? They’ll berate them. They’ll make unrealistic demands. My favorite is, “I’m not paying for this until you fix it.” To which the support person says, “I don’t have any authority to remove the bill. It’ll just go to collections. I’ll help you the best I can.” And is replied with, “I don’t care, I’m still not paying it.”

Another classic case is the threat.  Often, this threat is trans-pacific, as a great deal of tech support is conducted in Asia.  A dipshit will scream profanities and death threats over the phone, all over what is probably his misuse of basic software applications.

How to handle such Dipshits? Well, this is a twofold problem. Either you’re dealing with them as tech support, or not. If you aren’t tech support, you should be able to walk away. Often, belligerent dipshits take pride in yelling at tech support. You’re not going to change their minds. If you can, I applaud you, but it’s probably not worth your time. If you are tech support, it’s a little harder. Your job is more important than a dipshit, under any circumstance. Your best bet is to just pull the receiver away from your ear and let them yell. Then at a convenient time when they take a breath, just hang up. If you’re not recorded, you’re even better off. Just explain to them what they are. If they’re dumb enough to give you an email address, write it down and when you get home, toss them this URL. They need to know.

Here’s another idea: If you’re not recorded, pass off the phone to yourself, and slightly change tone and inflection.  Pretend to be a supervisor.  That way, when you inform said dipshit of their status as such, you can back it up “with authority.”

Next: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support