Posts Tagged 'War Against Dipshittery'

Symptom #13 – Trolls (An Open Letter of Advice)

When going to war, there are a great number of things you should do, and a great number of things you should not do. Sun Tzu touched on these things, so has Che Guevara, Mao Tse Dong, et cetera. However, my high horse is so high that I feel it necessary to make a bit of war commentary. I am a far superior douchebag than all previously listed.

When you’re a dipshit, you don’t fight on the home turf of your enemy. One would think this is a piece of common sense, however, remember the distinctly important term, “Dipshit.” So save your breath, and don’t risk carpal tunnel: If you are a dipshit, do not blast those who judge you on their public forums. It’s a simple bit of logic, let it sink in: You are a dipshit. To go to the source, to attempt ridicule against the authority on Dipshittery™, is masochism at best. I really understand that you feel you’re an intellectual. Understand though that every single instance of the Dipshit believes similarly, that for each of the preceding 12 symptoms, most people and I can name valid examples, each of which under false impression of intellect.

I welcome negative comments. I welcome hatemail. I welcome all manner of ridiculousness. However, understand that you are on a blog called “Profile of a Dipshit.” You are dealing with a person who qualifies himself as the utmost authority on Dipshittery. Unless you are flawless in execution, you are nigh guaranteed to give evidence of your blathering stupidity. You are Poland, you are fighting a ground war in Russia.

Dealing with this breed of Dipshit:

For the sake of nicety, the Dealing With segment of this post will be dedicated directly to the dipshits in question. For those of you who read this blog, before you crack wise and attempt to best me with your intarnetsfabuluzness, I have potential alternatives. These are suggested blog subjects where you may in fact prove your superiority. Once you graduate to Top of the Dipshit Pile, you might be able to compete at the Big Kids’ Table.

1) NASCAR

2) Bill O’Reilly

3) Bobby Flay

4) Karl Rove

5) Fantasy Football

6) The Fast and the Furious

7) Coldplay

8) Lindsay Lohan

9) Ben Stiller

10) Profile of a Dipshit

11) Sarah Palin

12) Anime

13) Porn

14) Zogby

15) Star Trek

16) Black Friday Sales

17) Elisabeth Hasselbeck

18) Perez Hilton

19) Wikipedia

20) Myspace

Clearly, people who like any of these things are not truly people, and are not deserving of opinions. I am far superior a human being to any of them, and I would like them to cater to my own tastes. In fact, I hypocritically hold the opinion that if their opinions change to suit, they are still inferior thanks to their obeisance and submission to my will.

So there you have it, dipshits. Twenty things to consider fucking with before you test the waters with the authority on your identity.

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Special Edition: The Dipshit Guide to Tech Support

Are you in the technical support industry? Do you regularly deal with dipshits? Please, just hang up on them and email them this URL. This will help decrease your workload. In fact, I think it could remove almost 95% of all technical support inquiries.

Dear Dipshit,

You have been directed to this page because you have contacted technical support, and they don’t feel you’re worth the oxygen they breathe. So follow these steps before bothering technical support in the future:

1) Is your device plugged in? Are all possible plugs attached? Don’t answer this. Check it. There’s a good chance you’re wrong in your default, “Of course it is!”

2) Is your device turned on? If no, turn it on and viola. If the problem persists, continue.

3) Can you try to open the piece of software? Does it open again? If no, continue.

4) Turn off everything not related to the software. Attempt again. Does it work? If no, continue.

5) Go to “Settings,” and select “Default.” If this fixes everything, it means you fucked with the settings. If no, continue.

6) Double check. Are you opening the correct software? If not, open the correct software. If you are, continue.

7) Are you sure it’s the right computer? Are you sure you have this program on your home/work computer, and not the other? If yes, continue. If the answer is no, I don’t really know what to tell you. Maybe, “Drink bleach?”

8) Is the item still under warranty? If you don’t know the answer to this question, let me help:

a. Did you purchase it within the last 90 days? If yes, continue to see if you still have a warranty. If no, continue to step 9.

b. Has it been exposed to water that could be causing the damage? If yes, continue to step 9. If no, continue to see if you still have a warranty.

c. Did you break it? Come on. Be honest. If yes, proceed to step 9 or just give up and get a new one. If you’re lying, you’re doing nobody a service, and this will cost you an arm and a leg in the warranty stage. If no, continue to step nine.

9) If none of this has worked, call support. Tell them you’ve done a basic troubleshoot. If you have determined you are under warranty, discuss with them the warranty return policies. If you are not under warranty, you can tell them that you are not a dipshit, that you have actually eliminated 95% of all tech support issues.

Congratulations, you have personally taken a step in the War Against Dipshittery™ by eliminating some of your own. Go get a t-shirt, and start calling other people dipshits.